shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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