so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
