just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
