By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
