Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
