so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
