I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
