I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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