Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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