Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
