I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
no more duck duck goose at the bar
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
