i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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