Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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