8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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