you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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