i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
