Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
