READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
