everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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