so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
