i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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