Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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