I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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