My Higher Power is John Stamos
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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