If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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