New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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