I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
