So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm getting married
To pizza
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
