**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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