Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
