we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
