It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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