I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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