matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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