I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize