His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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