I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
