youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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