Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
