I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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