It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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