he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
