Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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