I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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