I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
