you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
