You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Randomize
