Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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