Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
