an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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