Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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