Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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