I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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