Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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