Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
